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“You must live through the time when everything hurts.” ~ Stephen Spender

Ten Thoughts on Coping
It is always difficult to live through holidays in the aftermath of intense tragedy. For victims and survivors, holidays are often marked with pain and anguished memories. What, in the past, may have been a time for family gatherings and celebration will be a time for missing loved ones and a sense of loss. Many holidays will be coming up in the next few months: Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year’s Eve. Individuals will have their own special days that need to be acknowledged: birthdays, anniversaries, and memorial days for loved ones who have died.

Knowing that it will be hard to get through holidays or other special days will not make the problem go away. But by looking at the problem in advance, many families and individuals can plan their own way to cope – often with a special way of remembering their loved ones.

Everyone creates their own unique way of coping, and sometimes one person’s way of surviving creates “unfair” demands on others. Try to be generous with yourself and with your family members and friends and allow room for differences.

Some thoughts on holiday survival:

1. Remember to take one day at a time. Don’t allow anxieties to build up about events that will happen during the holidays or special days. Live in the present and focus on what needs to be done now. Some things can be put aside. But on the other hand, you may want to do things that have been done in the past. Sending holiday cards may seem to you to be frivolous at this particular time – but some people may find it reassuring to get in touch with loved ones that they usually contact.

2. For some people, it is helpful to review all traditions that are associated with family holidays. Pick out some that are particularly meaningful and which help to continue warm memories, and plan to observe them even in sadness. Other traditions may be too painful to continue, so they might be suspended or ended. Some families decide to begin new traditions to commemorate the absence of the one they love. The following are some practical examples of how other families have approached traditions.

Family A had a tradition of allowing the youngest child in the family to pick out the first gift to be unwrapped at Christmas. Once their youngest child was killed in a drunk driving crash, they abandoned the tradition rather than allow another child to “substitute” for the missing youngest.

Family B had always had a big family gathering for Thanksgiving. Everyone assembled at “Grandma and Grandpa’s house” and each family unit attending was assigned to bring a special dish for the occasion. After the grandparents were murdered, the tradition was changed to rotate Thanksgiving from family to family and the “potluck” tradition fell by the wayside.

When Jimmy C was killed, his family could not bear having Christmas without some acknowledgment of his absence and their love for him. They decided that each year they would select and hang a special ornament on their Christmas tree in his memory.

Mary D and her husband and daughter always went to her in-laws for large family celebrations. When her spouse and child were killed, she decided she could not face the merriment and gift-giving year after year. She asked her in-laws if she could continue to stop by for Mass on Christmas Eve, but decided to go on a trip on Christmas day – and every year for the next five years, she planned a different trip for the holidays. She always chose a “Christmasy” spot but chose to be alone in a new place with her memories.

It is better to think through any changes in tradition and make conscious decisions about how to handle them than to just let them happen. In that way, everyone knows what will happen and some dissension can be avoided.

3. Sometimes a person who was killed was a person who was very organized and planned ahead for life’s events. An aunt, or mother, or grandparent may have been purchasing gifts all year long in anticipation of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or a birthday. This raises some painful questions. How do the family members deal with such purchases? Do they wrap them and give them to the intended recipients? Do they distribute the gifts along with others in the usual fashion at the holiday? Do they dispose of them by giving them away? There are no definitive answers. Family members need to discuss these issues openly. For some, the receipt of a special gift from a loved one after he or she has died may have loving significance – and for others it may be an unbearable agony.

4. Holiday songs, stories or prayers can also be a cause of grief. Often a loved one had a favorite piece of music associated with the holiday, and when family members hear it on a radio or in a store, it may precipitate a spasm of pain. If family members can prepare themselves to think of the joy that their loved one had when that music was played – rather than the absence of the loved one – it can make it more bearable.

5. Victims, survivors, families, and friends should be reassured that holiday time is a time when survivors of disaster are often depressed. Depression after a major tragedy is not uncommon and is not a sign of illness. Sadness over the catastrophe contrasts with the perceived glow of happiness all around. All who are affected by the catastrophe should try to plan time for themselves. For some this may be a time to be alone, a time for thought, a time for remembrance, a time for prayer. Planning specific time periods for such reverie is useful. It may be an hour in the early morning or late at night – but it should be a time when peace and quiet can prevail.

If depression seems to be overwhelming, call local or national crisis lines and encourage others to do so too. Talking with someone who has some knowledge about crisis, trauma reactions, depression and the like can be useful during this critical period.

6. If there are children in the family, plan a time when they, along with loving adults, can remember the people who have died or who are injured. Children need to be reassured that others are remembered and that there is a time when sadness is not only appropriate but needed. Encourage children to draw pictures, write stories or otherwise to create their own way of remembering.

7. Nothing is the same after the sudden death or injury of a loved one. Do not pretend it is. Feel free to go out to eat rather than to plan a home-cooked dinner. Some families may want to skip the immediate holidays altogether. It doesn’t mean that they will skip a lifetime of holidays. But make this a family decision. Families that include children between the ages of 4 and 15 should remember that children do live in the present and may want to have traditional holiday celebrations. Adults should try to accommodate these needs when possible. Sometimes children are willing to partially change celebrations by giving gifts or send cards to other children in need or by participating in a memorial activity, but often children just want to be reassured that life is still going on in a way that seems normal.

8. Some people may find it helpful to keep a journal or write letters to loved ones who have been killed in order to stay in contact during special times. This is perfectly understandable. Such written thoughts may be a part of memories in the future – even though they are painful.

9. It is useful if victims, survivors, family members and friends can plan at least one event relating to holidays or special events that is celebrated together – a coffee and dessert occasion, a pre-holiday memorial service – perhaps for those who celebrate Christmas, on the 23rd of December — or a New Year’s Day gathering to exchange memories of the last year and to exchange thoughts about how to approach the New Year.

10. Spiritual connections are vital to trying to process the impact of sudden, random death and loss. Seek out spiritual counselors. For most people there is a need to find meaning in the lives and deaths of loved ones. Beliefs may differ. Rituals may differ. Prayers may differ. But the search for meaning and understanding is common throughout the world.

Coping With Hurricane Katrina & Rita:
For those who have an immediate involvement with people who have been killed or injured, the following may be useful:

NOVA's Hurricane Katrina & Rita Response & Information: